oh sugar, sugar...

i had ice cream cake yesterday.  the first real sugar in nearly 12 days.

my coworker and i had an agreement, long before i quit sugar, that we would buy me an ice cream cake.  and yesterday he did.  i must admit that i was apathetic about the whole thing, which is odd for anyone who knows how much i LOVED ice cream cake (that was my only birthday request last year).  this apathy was a pleasant surprise. 

i agreed to eat it because it was technically a "celebration cake," so i cut myself a piece with the most icing and dug in.

i was immediately sick.  miserable.  bloated.  as good as it tasted for that temporary moment, the torture afterward was not worth it.  i struggled through the rest of the afternoon, feeling tired and sluggish, near the edge of throwing up.  a resolve grew slowly deep in me and i knew i wouldn't struggle with the remainder of the cake being in the ice cream.

the truth is, as hard as it was, that was a good experience for me.  it was like it became my decision.  i owned it.  before it was still my choice, obviously, but it still felt like deprivation.  i still longed for cookies after a long day, or for chocolate when i was tired.  but after the ice cream cake, it became a conscious decision.  i knew why i stopped consuming sugars/breads, and i felt joyful about the future of food, instead of dreading it.

many have asked why i've stopped consuming sugar, so i'm including a link to several articles addressing the issue:
More info on sugar

inspiration

i've just finished watching Julie & Julia with my sister.  and Alexi Murdoch is playing on my iTunes.  despite being completely exhausted, i feel a fresh wind of inspiration.

our seeds came for the beast of a garden we'll be planting shortly.  partly for fun, and partly because it makes me feel i'm moving closer to my dream, i've named our gardening project big blue marble farm.  "big blue marble" came when i looked up "earth" in the thesaurus.  since i want the garden to be earth centered,  i found this to be quite fitting.

our seeds are strictly heirloom, and i am preaching the dangers of GMO to anyone who will listen (and some who won't.  and some who will only do so grudgingly.

i did have a small victory though.  my dad, who i've been discussing this with, felt a need to visit a local farm/dairy, where he proceeded to buy local fruits, veggies, milk and steaks.  he told me he's excited to begin transitioning their grocery monies to this farm.  this was music to my ears, and i felt encouraged that i had a part to play in the changing of his mind.  yay for local eating!!

healing pains

i woke up with a migraine this morning.  for those who've never had one, it starts like this:

i get a small blur in my vision, little squigglies that keep me from seeing.  it's almost imperceptible at first, but then grows into a giant circle of squigglies that keep me from being able to read or see things appropriately.

then comes the headache.  pounding, throbbing, something is in there beating me up, headache.  and today's was a doosy. i went to the chiropractor, hoping a good adjustment would bring some relief.  but the headache was already in full swing so i walked around, a bit like a little kid just wanting to be picked up and rocked to sleep.

after about 5 hours of headache, and falling asleep at my desk, i decided on an early day and came home to sleep.  i slept like i hadn't slept in days.  i slept like it was my job.  i slept like a fat kid eats cookies...ok, you get it.  i slept hard.

i've been up for a couple of hours now, a general weakness and disoriented feeling about me.  in my migraine experience, when a headache wears off, i am left with the "aftershocks."  i basically feel like a stroke patient--my speech is very intentional because i feel i may slur at any moment, i'm slow and delayed in my movements and thoughts.  i just want to hole up and not see the world again.

so on my way home from a friend's going away party (i went despite the pain), i became very emotional as i battled with where this migraine is coming from.  like i said, i haven't had one in a loooonnggg time, due in part mostly because of regular visits to my chiropractor.  i am eating better than ever before, and running.  i'm doing everything right.

then i realized there is this untouchable place in me, deep down, that's storing some serious emotions.  as i prayed, i felt like a little kid again, just begging him to hold me, to release those emotions, to give me a vision and hope again.

the only conclusion i've come to is that i'm in the midst of healing pains.  i've cut out sugar and breads, both toxic to my body, but also emotional crutches.  i'm establishing healthy boundaries with loved ones and refocusing my money. working out regularly.  change is abounding.  chains are being broken.  and with that comes healing.  but just a deep wound must hurt before it's whole, so i am hurting as this healing process takes place.